Why teens backtrack on promises to change (and what Parents can do)

"Here we go again…"

You’ve had the conversation with your teen. They promised they’d put their phone away at a decent hour. You even felt a little hopeful as you saw them nod along, maybe even agree it was getting out of hand. But the next night? Same story. The phone’s glowing under the doona at midnight, and you’re left wondering if anything you say actually makes a difference.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it? When your teen backtracks on promises, it can feel like they’re being careless, lazy, or even disrespectful. But often, what’s really going on is something deeper—and surprisingly normal.

That’s where the Stages of Change model comes in, a concept I usually only share inside my Calm Connection program, but one I think every parent deserves to know.

Early on in parenting, many of us are taught to use rewards and punishments to shape our children’s behaviour. And I’m not strictly for or against those approaches—they can be useful tools at times. But eventually, most parents reach a point where rewards and punishments just don’t seem to work anymore.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It simply means there are other ways of helping kids and teens change their behaviour—and understanding the Stages of Change model is the first step.

Understanding readiness to change

Any time we’re trying to change behaviour—whether it’s your teen’s device use, getting to bed on time, or even something more serious like vaping—there's a multistep internal process going on.

This is true for us as adults too. For example, if I decide I’d love to surf three or four times a week (which would be amazing!), I also go through stages of change before that intention turns into consistent action.

The problem is, as parents of teenagers, we often don’t recognise these stages. We might interpret normal patterns of change as inconsistency, or think our teen is going back on their word. Or we jump in with the wrong kind of conversation—because we’re ready for action, but our teenager isn’t there yet.

The stages of change

Here’s what the Stages of Change model looks like:

1. Pre-contemplation – “I don’t have a problem.” Your teen isn’t aware that there’s an issue.

2. Contemplation – “Maybe it’s a problem, maybe it’s not.” They’re starting to think about it.

3. Planning for action – They’re considering what they might do about it.

4. Action – They’re actually trying to make the change.

5. Evaluation (or maintenance) – They reflect on what worked, what didn’t, and sometimes cycle back to earlier stages.

It’s a circle rather than a straight line. People move back and forth through these stages, and that’s completely normal.

The error most parents make...

Is mismatching the conversation with the stage your teen is in.

Let’s take device use as an example. Your teen might be in pre-contemplation: “I don’t have a problem, what are you talking about?” Meanwhile, you’re offering strategy after strategy to help them put the phone down. Of course it doesn’t work—you’re not meeting them where they are in the process of change.

The power of this model is that it helps us step back and recognise what stage our teen is in, and then have the right kind of conversation for that stage. That’s when you start to see movement, even if it’s small at first.

So next time your teen backtracks on a promise, or slips into old habits, remind yourself: this isn’t laziness or defiance. It’s part of a predictable, very human process of change.

When you adjust your expectations, and match your conversations to where your teen is at, the frustration eases—and you open the door for real progress.