The real reason your teen is on their device and how to help them

Here’s what just happened to me.

I sat down to write this week’s Parent Thinking Space…
and thought, I want to share a new word I learnt from a reel my husband sent me.

So off I went to find it.

Ten minutes later, I’d somehow watched:
– an AI-generated toddler singing on a beach,
– a tutorial on correct ski technique, and
– a comparison between skiing and surfing (that didn’t just relate to the state of the water 😉).

After the scrolling distraction and searching my insta for messages I finally found the original reel I was looking for with the new word I learnt this week.

Thalassophile - someone who loves the ocean and feels calm, joy, and peace being near it.

That’s me.

Whenever I need to reset, I head for the beach.

After my beach walk and swim this morning, I felt grounded and calm.

Which was a completely different kind of calm to the feeling after my accidental scroll.

And funny enough, even while I was scrolling, the algorithm kept feeding me videos about water.

Because it knows what I love.

I wasn’t really looking for distraction.

I was looking for peace. A moment to settle.

And our teens are often doing the same thing.

When they’re scrolling or gaming, it’s not always about the game or the content it’s about how it makes them feel.

They’re searching for calm, or connection, or fun.

Calm, Connection and Fun are fundamental human needs.

These things are not only just “good to have” but vital for psychological health.

So when we simply ban devices or turn off the Wi-Fi, we’re taking away the thing that’s meeting a real need.

And doing this without showing them how to get what they’re truly craving is a big problem.

That’s the part of the conversation about devices that makes the biggest difference and is missing most of the time.

And when fights over cutting down device time begin to erode your relationship with your teen the chasm of needs becomes greater.

Your relationship is an important foundation to meeting their connection needs and showing them how to connect well with others.

The conversations you have with them are the way you can motivate internal change, reflection and learning.

Screens are a problem.

Not just for our teens (but as I demonstrated earlier) for all of us.

But using the same strategies our parents used to change our tv habits is not working because the needs are there, they’re real and they need some help to find true relaxation, connection and real live fun.

That’s the part of the conversation that makes the biggest difference.

And we can't teach what we don't know.

I now know the word that describes where I find peace.

Wishing you some calm this week — the ocean kind, not the screen kind 🌊

Want more help with how to talk to your teen about devices without the arguments or closed doors? Check out my teens and screens course here.