Why your teen won't listen to your advice (...and what works Iinstead)

As parents of teenagers, many of us spend time reading books, joining webinars, or scrolling through Instagram for helpful tips. There’s no shortage of good information out there—and often we stumble on something that makes us think, this could really help my teen.

But then reality hits. You bring it up at the dinner table, hoping for a thoughtful conversation, and your teen either rolls their eyes, tells you that you “don’t understand,” or doesn’t even come to the table at all. It’s frustrating, isn’t it? You’ve gathered all this wisdom, you care deeply, and yet it feels like it’s not getting through.

So what’s going on here? Is the knowledge the problem? Or is it the way we’re trying to share it?

How Teens Really Learn

Research tells us something important: teenagers don’t learn much through lectures or direct instruction. Just like when they were little, they learn most from what they see. Modeling is powerful.

Think back to those early parenting days when you quickly discovered that little ears and eyes pick up everything—your tone, your words, even the phrases you didn’t really want repeated on the playground. Teens are no different. They may look less interested in you than they did when they were small, but they are still watching closely.

If you’ve been learning new strategies—whether it’s breathing, relaxation, mindfulness, or even tapping—the best way to introduce these tools to your teenager isn’t by telling them to try it. It’s by doing it yourself, in front of them. Over time, they start to notice. Many parents in my Calm Connection program are surprised when their teen begins using a strategy they never directly taught, simply because they watched their parent use it consistently. 

Timing Matters

Another reason our wisdom often falls flat is timing. Parents are most eager to help in moments of crisis—when our teen is upset, anxious, or overwhelmed. We see the distress and want to jump in with a solution. But that’s actually the worst time for teaching.

When the brain is agitated or defensive, it isn’t ready to learn. Advice at that moment usually feels like criticism or control, and teens push back. The conversation quickly turns into a debate, where the parent argues for a change and the teen passionately argues against it—only reinforcing their reasons for not changing.

Instead, the first step is to soothe and regulate emotions—yours and theirs. Only once calm has returned can a more reflective conversation take place. 

Reflective Conversations Over Debates

The third powerful way teens learn is through reflective coaching conversations. These are very different from debates or lectures. Rather than persuading your teen of the “right” answer, reflective conversations invite them to think about their own experiences, choices, and outcomes. Done calmly, they shift the dynamic from you versus them to you alongside them.

Do They Even Need to Learn It?

Finally, it’s worth asking yourself: do you actually need your teen to “learn” this particular piece of wisdom at all? Not every moment requires a lesson. Sometimes what matters more is the environment you’re creating, the relationship you’re nurturing, and the consistent example you’re setting.

Behavior change is its own process—one that doesn’t always come from knowledge alone. I’ll share more on that in an upcoming article, you can join my email list to get notified here.

In summary: if you’ve been feeling frustrated that your teenager isn’t listening, it may not be because you’re lacking the right knowledge. Instead, focus on modeling calm strategies yourself, waiting until emotions have settled before talking, and gently guiding your teen with reflective conversations rather than debates.

That’s where true learning happens.