The Dance

I have many parents come to me concerned their teen has crossed the line behaviourally.  

It's almost like they're going into a confession box. They quietly and shamefully tell me their teen swore at them or kicked a hole in the wall.  

Worried, they come to me wanting to ensure their teen doesn't turn into a violent psychopath abusing females for the rest of their lives. 

But almost always there's a context, a dance of he said she said that escalated into the aggressive behaviour. 

This dance is what psychologists call a negative escalation or control cycle. 

It goes something like this: 

Step one: small request to teen greeted with reluctance. 
E.g. Go put your shoes on, we have to leave... 
They continue to look at their screen. 

Step two: parent shifts to demand and raises voice. 
E.g. Come on, shoes now, get off the screen! 

Step three: teen responds in kind. 
E.g. I was getting to it, gosh! 

Step four: parent feels disrespected and wants the rudeness to stop. 
E.g. Don’t you yell at me like that! Stop being so rude and get your shoes on. I said do it now! 

Step five: teen matches the emotion of the parent. 
E.g. Yelling something rude or muttering under their breath. 

Step six: parent thinks this is out of control, I need to get this under control. 
E.g. Right, I’ve had enough of this rudeness, I’m taking your device! 

Step seven: teen fights back. 
E.g. That’s not fair! I hate you! 

Step eight: parent seeks more control. 
E.g. Well, now for saying that, you’re going to lose the device for a week! 

Step nine: teen responds with anger and swears at parent, or kicks the wall, furniture, or throws something. 

Sound familiar? 

It’s a common pattern where the initial small request turns into an argument about something else entirely. 

You see, when you're in the middle of it, it feels wrong to back down to the rudeness… 

…But when you zoom out and look at these steps, you can see the negative escalation cycle at work.  

The key to changing the outcome at step 9 is actually to change the “dance” at steps 2-8.  

And it’s much easier to change your approach at step two than to deal with the relational fallout at step 9. 

Good parenting, of course, involves discipline. 

But discipline and control are not the same. 

To discipline actually means to teach. 

When we focus on true discipline, teens change their behaviour through learning, and your relationship remains intact. 

Control, on the other hand, may change the behaviour in the moment, but rarely creates internal change and often erodes the relationship. 

This negative escalation cycle is a common trap parents of teens with ADHD fall into. 

Would you like to learn more about how to change the dance and move from arguments and nagging to correction and action? 

Join me in my upcoming live training for parents about how to parent a teen with ADHD. 

All the details are here.