Building Resilience in Teenagers: Are You Being Too Soft?

You walk in the door after work.

Your teen is lying on their bed scrolling.

You ask how their day was and they huff at you.

You hate it, but don’t want to start an argument at the end of an already hard day.

Disappointed, you begin to back out of their room, but on the way out you ask them to put their towel back in the bathroom.

A very reasonable request…

And they roll their eyes, grumble and tell you to stop talking.

Within seconds, the argument you were wanting to avoid has exploded.

The words are flying and inside you’re thinking…

This needs to get under control!

Is their device ruining their brain?!

Is this happening because I’ve been too focused on other things?

Seriously, where’s the respect? Do I have to do everything around here AND still be talked to like that!?

Later that night, debriefing with a friend, she kindly offers that her teen does the same and suggests maybe it’s just a teenage phase they’ll grow out of.

And while part of you feels relieved to know it’s not just happening in your house, you’re also aware of other voices saying teens today need “more resilience and discipline”.

So what is it then?

Is this type of behaviour “normal”? Should we just allow teens their autonomy and choose our battles?

Or…

Should we be disciplining, taking control, putting in boundaries they don’t like and making life a little less comfortable so they can build some resilience?

Do teenagers need more discipline or more understanding?

Decades of parenting research says the answer is…

Yes.

To all.

Yes, teens need autonomy.

Yes, you need to choose your battles.

Yes, teens need boundaries.

And yes, teens need to experience discomfort.

So why does it feel like a choice?

Because in each individual moment of parenting, there is a choice about which of these things you do.

And because of that choice, parents often tell me their brain feels like an internal game of ping pong, bouncing from one parenting principle to another.

Maybe I’m being too soft.

Maybe I need to back off.

Maybe they need consequences.

Maybe I need to be more understanding.

So how do you choose?

The answer lies in knowing your teen.

When you know your teen has just been turned down by the girl they like at school, you know that today they might need some comfort and space more than they need a consequence over the wet towel.

Tomorrow, the towel might need addressing.

Because choosing connection in one moment doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries.

And holding a boundary doesn’t mean you’re not an understanding parent.

The skill is knowing which matters most in this moment.

And that kind of knowing comes from your relationship with your teen.

A relationship where they share things with you (...in their own time and way).

Where you have enough information to see beyond the wet towel, the eye roll or the hours spent on their device and understand a little more about what might be happening underneath.

What actually builds resilience in teenagers?

Resilience isn’t built simply by making life harder for our teens.

It’s built over time as they experience disappointment, frustration, limits, responsibility and discomfort…

...while also having a relationship where they feel safe enough to come back, talk, regroup and try again.

So if you find yourself bouncing between…

Am I being too soft?

and

Am I being too hard?

Perhaps that’s not quite the question.

A better question might be:

What do my teen and I need in this moment ... and what am I trying to teach them over time?

Sometimes the answer will be understanding.

Sometimes it will be a boundary.

And very often, raising a resilient teenager requires both.