When Parenting Advice Isn’t Working: Why Understanding Matters

I have a parenting confession to make.

I don’t walk my dog anymore.

After spending hundreds of dollars and hours on dog training, my dog still pulls on the lead, barks at me, and generally loses his mind.

Before you stop reading because you’re a cat person and you’re thinking,

Why would the parenting psychologist be writing about her dog?…

... keep reading if you’ve ever felt confused or judged in your parenting, or like you’re trying all the “right things” and nothing is working.

This morning I was out for my walk by myself (no dog with me because that would require him walking on a lead), and I passed a lady with a Border Collie and felt immediately connected to her.

And a little relieved.

Because her dog was barking and pulling on the lead and generally losing his mind, like my dog does on lead walks.

I wanted to yell out to her that I know what she’s going through.

Tell her I get it.

My dog is like that too.

But she was doing the same thing I used to when walking my dog.

Pretending to be in control, looking straight ahead, ignoring everything around her, and certainly not about to engage with a stranger who possibly might judge her.

You see, there’s a fine line between a dog that’s misbehaving and a dog owner who feels helpless, judged and not good enough.

I see the same thing happening with parents.

Many teens are struggling with mental health, devices, school engagement, vaping, alcohol, e-bike rules...

Parents are doing their best to help their teen.

Lots of voices are providing advice to parents with tinges of judgement.

Because they only see the problem right now.

They don’t see everything you’ve already tried, how much you worry about getting it right, or how confusing it can be when all the advice you’ve followed doesn’t seem to be working.

Which leads to switching between making plans to “get things under control” and feeling helpless and not good enough.

If you relate to any of this…

I want you to know:

Amongst those out there who might judge you, there are many more who would look upon your struggles and want to tell you:

Me too.

I get your struggles.

I know how hard you’re trying.

You’re doing the best you can.

It’s this kind of compassionate understanding that helps us step out of judgement and helplessness and find a calmer, more connected pathway forward.

Often, when the advice isn't working, it's because the problems we're seeing have layers that need to be seen and understood.

And it's from this place of understanding and compassion that we can more clearly approach the problems we face with our teens...

...and even find solutions for the dogs we bought thinking they’d teach our children responsibility and improve our fitness, but instead gave us a social life at the dog park.