When Your Teen Breaks the Screen Time Rules: What to Do Before You React

Here's what happens in my head when my teen sneaks her phone into her bedroom at night or her screentime blows through restrictions...

... I start thinking...

I thought we had an agreement.

I should've checked more regularly.

It's effecting her mental health.

She's being damaged by the content she's viewing.

I need to get this under control.

Maybe you can relate?

My brain, like all brains, likes predictability and avoiding danger.

So combine a teen breaking device rules with an Instagram feed that's sharing all the dangers of devices, and my brain is quick to decide there's a big current and future problem looming.

But often when danger is involved our brains make errors.

For example if we wind back to last night in my house when the phone charging chord was running under my daughter's bedroom door after lights out....

I'll admit I spiralled a little....

And...

Stormed into her room expecting to catch her in the act.

But she was fast asleep.

Not scrolling.

No danger.

Sleeping at 9pm.

In seeking predictability, and on high alert for danger, my brain had decided we had a big problem on our hands.

Last night, my daughter was asleep.

Other times, that's not been the case.

But in both situations I have needed to check my thinking and slow down before talking to her.

Because when I don't, I am not able to have a productive conversation with her.

And it's the repeated calmer conversations over time that are needed to help her change her own behaviour.

Not repeated arguments and acusations.

So I want to encourage you.

If you're frustrated that you're having to have the "device conversation" again in your household, you're not alone.

AND it's not because you haven't gotten it "right" so far.

And it may not be that you have a teen who's addicted or their mental health is being destroyed.

These conversations have to happen over and over because change takes time.

And change around devices is not straightforward.

Sometimes your teen will make a good decision.

Sometimes they won't.

Sometimes you'll think you've turned a corner, only to find yourself having exactly the same conversation again two weeks later.

That doesn't necessarily mean the conversations aren't working.

But I've also learned that what I do before I have the conversation matters just as much as what I say when I have it.

Because if I walk into her room carrying all of those thoughts about what this means for her mental health, her future, or what I should have done differently, it's very hard to have a calm, useful conversation about what's actually happening right now.

So sometimes the first step isn't working out what to say to your teen.

It's noticing what's happening inside you before you say it.

And sometimes, it's checking whether they're actually asleep before you storm into their bedroom. 😉