Why your teen has left another wet towel on the floor.

My nickname is Kiki.

I got this nickname in my first year of university during animal behavioural psychology class when a keyboard stuck and wouldn’t type my full name.

My friend kept trying to type my name...

…And got frustrated hit the enter key and I ended up KiKi for the whole semester.

Animal behaviour lab wasn’t that interesting.

We were asked to observe fish behaviour.

We had strict rules to follow and long breaks for the fish...

Because it turns out that the 3 second fish memory rule is not true and they wanted to make sure we didn't stress the fish out.

Fish actually have good memories and retain learning for months.

What does all this have to do with parenting?

Sometimes a common way of understanding behaviour is actually untrue and unhelpful.

For example when a teen doesn’t do their chores or their homework, loses their belongings, forgets their laptop charger, talks in class…

Often people think it's because they don’t care, aren’t motivated, are lazy or disrespectful.

And if you've had a teen who's left their wet towel on the floor AGAIN

...then it’s likely you've thought that they're lazy, disrespectful or don't care.

But like the poor goldfish we believed had a 3 second memory, we often misunderstand teen behaviour.

And these misunderstanding can have longer lasting consequences for your teen beyond living in an untidy house.

Because when we see a wet towel on the floor and label a teen as lazy, rude, ungrateful or entitled it can undermine your teen's sense of self.

...and form the foundations for depressed and anxious thoughts like:

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm a failure."

"I'm a bad person."

This is why common behaviour myths are so unhelpful...

Because

they dictate what we say and
turn into the beliefs your teen creates about themselves.

Are they hearing:

"You're lazy."

"You're not trying."

"What's wrong with you?"

They might not appear to care, but those messages stick over time.

But before you feel too bad about what you've said or thought...

I confess...I too have thought and said some of those things to my teens.

These unhelpful untrue cultural beliefs about "causes" of behaviour are strong.

Just like the 3 second memory myth about fish.

Way back in animal behaviour class I learned two important lessons.

1. Shortcut assumptions based on “common” thinking doesn’t explain fish behaviour well…so it’s unlikely to help us understand humans.

2. Sometimes a letter key gets stuck for a bit but you can learn to love the name Kiki….sometimes the things that seem most stuck in teens can turn out just fine.

So next time your teen does something that makes you wonder if they’re lazy, disrespectful or don’t care.

Pause and remember the goldfish.

There may be another way of looking at things so you can build the identity your teen needs to succeed in life.

As a Clinical Psychologist who works with parents of teens I have seen common mistakes in understanding teen behaviour over and over. I cover these common misconceptions in my limited time free Calm Connection Workshop you can watch here.

The challenge of the wet towel on the bathroom floor is particularly hard to shift in a teen with ADHD, along with the floordrobe, homework, chores, communicating plans, and following instructions. These difficulties can undermine parent patience and flow into your relationship with your teen. I've you'd like to learn more about how to move from arguments and nagging to connection and action with your ADHD teen you can check out my Parenting a Teen with ADHD training here.